Top 100 reasons its good to be a guy!

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12) Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guys in hockey masks don't attack you-except during hockey games.
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27) You never have to clean the toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
32) Your underwear is £3.00 for a three pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship...
34) None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35) You don't have to shave below your neck.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37) If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face stays its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president.
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59) You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time.
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66) You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69) Same work....more pay.
70) Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72) Wedding Dress £200; Tux rental £15.
73) You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) ESPN's sports center.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81) Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88) If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So... notice anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There is always a game on somewhere.

Damn those dead baby jokes!

What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full of bowling balls?
Dead Babies, you can use a pitchfork

What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bricks?
You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.

What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.

How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A pitchfork.

How do you unload a truck full of babies?
With a pitchfork.

Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
So you can tell which ones are still alive.

What's this? (hold arms out and shake them)
A live one.

How do you know when you hit a live one?
The pitchfork shakes

How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

What is worse than that?
At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its way out

What is worse than that?
It made it

What is worse than that?
It went back for seconds!

What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.

What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.

What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
The same baby three weeks later.

What's red and sits in a highchair?
A baby eating razor-blades.

What is red and white and squirms in the corner?
Dead Baby playing with razor blades.

What is red, white and green and sits in a corner?
Same baby 3 weeks later.

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

What's blue and sits in the corner?
Dead Baby playing with saranwrap.

What's blue and sits in the corner?
Baby in a cellophane bag.

What is green and sits in the corner?
Same dead baby two weeks later!

How do you make a dead baby float?
Fill a glass with root beer, and add a scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby.

How do you make a dead baby float?
One glass of Root Beer and two scoops of baby. (If on a diet use only one scoop)

How do you make a dead baby float?
Add 240ml of Pepsi with 2 scoops of dead baby.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.

And where did you get these babies?
Abortion Clinic.

What's red and white and bubbles all over?
A baby in the microwave.

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window?
A baby in the microwave.

What is brown and taps on a window?
A baby in the microwave.

What's pink and red and bangs on the window ?
A baby in the microwave.

What is black and bubbly and taps on glass?
A baby in the microwave.

What is black and bubbly and taps on glass every ten seconds?
Dead baby in a carousel microwave!

What's blue and knocks on glass?
A baby in a fishtank

What is charred black and smells really bad?
A baby chewing on an extension cord.

What is charred black and smells really bad?
A baby in the fireplace.

What is red and swings back and forth?
Dead baby on a meathook.

What's pink and red and sways back and forth, back and forth...?
Dead baby on a meathook.

What's red and hangs four feet off the floor?
Dead baby on a meathook.

How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage?
By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)

What do elephants use for ben-wa balls?
Dead babies.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the koala.

Why did the tree fall over?
The koala never let go.

Why did the kangaroo die?
Because the koala landed on it.

How do you get a baby out of a tree?
You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a penata!
yyyyyeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman on a children's playground!

What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
Pulling them off.

What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
Ripping it back off.

What's pink and with a flick of a switch turns red?
A baby in a blender

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face!

How do you get 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
Use a blender

How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
Use a blender

How do you get it out?
With a straw!

What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
Ten dead babies in a garbage can.

What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.

What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

What do you do with 4 dead babies and a sheet of glass?
Make a coffee table.

Whats more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line?
Stopping it with a shovel.

What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH?
Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok)

What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
Getting it out of the tires.

How is a baby like a grape?
They both give a little wine when you squish them.

What's small, red, and can't turn around in corridors?
A baby with a javelin through its head.

What does a dingo call a baby in a pram?
Meals on wheels.

What's black and furry and crawls across New South Wales?
A baby covered in Funnel-Web spiders.

What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

What is red and hangs around in trees?
A baby that was hit by a snow thrower.

What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A baby run over by a lawn mower.

What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
Same baby, two months later.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.

What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
Ripping it back off.

What's pink and spits?
A baby in a frying pan.

What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles.
A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.

What is pink and red and gurgles?
A baby munching on razor blades.

What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.

How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
Gouge its eyes out.

Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
Because you get a womb with a view.

What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
With an axe.

What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
Tying them to your tires and skidding.

Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth?
In case the baby dies, he can make soup.

What do vegetarian dingos eat?
Cabbage patch kids.

What do you call a baby on a stick?
A Kebabie.

What do you call a baby on a stick with no kidneys?
Doner Kebabie.

What did the mother say to the baby on a stick that was crying?
"Shush, Kebabie!"

What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.

What is brown and keeps it's juices in?
A baby in an oven bag.

How do you spoil a baby?
Leave it out in the sun.

Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
Dead babies make the best chum.

What's charred black and smells really bad?
A baby playing with a blow torch.

What was the baby doing on the wall?
Playing darts. It was the board.

What was the baby doing on the table?
Lying on its tummy. It was the pin cushion.

What is 18" long, cold and stiff, and makes a woman scream in the morning?
Crib death.

What's worse (or more fun) than a dead baby in art class?
Pinning it up on the bulletin board.

What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of placenta?
You can't gargle gravel.

What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies?
Sticking pins in their eyes.

Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones
Because they're hand made

Did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil?

A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense 12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy. Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy .... SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times and THROWS it against the wall.... Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ?????? The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says... He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

Ahh those wonderful pickup lines!

1) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.

2) Do you want to see something swell?

3) What do you like for breakfast?

4) Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

5) Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

6) Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up.

7) Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.

8) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

9) Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

10) You smell wet. Lets party!

11) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?

12) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew!

13) You have the ass of a great artist.

14) I just threw up!

15) You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.

16) Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in?

17) Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

18) I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good.

19) Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up.
My what a pretty dress!

20) Your face or mine?

21) Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?

22) I want to floss with your pubic hair.

23) I'd look good on you.

24) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet?

25) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here.