------
Son, when you participate in sporting
events, it's not
whether you win or lose... it's
how drunk you get.
------
Kids, you tried your best and you
failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try.
------
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant
wife and a troubled
child, but somehow I managed to
fit in eight hours of
TV a day.
------
Homer: Are you saying you're never
going to eat any animal
again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from
the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah...
right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.
------
Marge: Do you want your son to
be Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the
late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a
stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
------
Homer: But every time I learn something
new, it pushes out
something old! Remember that time
I took a home
wine-making course and forgot how
to drive?
Marge: That's because you were
drunk!
Homer: And how!
------
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories:
Bart's a vampire, beer
kills brain cells. Now let's go
back to that...
building...thingie... where our
beds and TV... is.
------
Operator! Give me the number for
911!
------
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell
the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the
back seat of my car with
the woman I love, and I won't be
back for ten minutes!
------
Big brother representative: Now,
Mr. Simpson, may I ask why
you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge.
Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it.
I'm outta here.
(step step step step step...slam)
------
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like
me, and I don't like you,
but let's get through this thing
and then I can continue
killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
------
Homer: But Marge! I was a political
prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political
prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in
the butt! Do I have to draw
you a picture?
------
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a
beer. They look good, they smell good, and
you'd step over your own mother
just to get
one! (chugs beer)
------
Old man: Take this doll, but beware;
it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free
serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also
cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your
choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium
benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
------
Getting out of jury duty is easy.
The trick is to say
you're prejudiced against all races.
------
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use
reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
------
Homer: When I first heard that
Marge was joining the police
academy, I thought it would be
fun and zany, like that
movie -- Spaceballs. But instead
it was dark and
disturbing. Like that movie --
Police Academy.
------
Marge: Homer, did you call the
audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's
a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
------
Lisa: Dad, we did something very
bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
------
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
------
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods
have been good to me. As
an offering, I present these milk
and cookies. If you
wish me to eat them instead, please
give me no sign
whatsoever... thy bidding will
be done (munch munch munch).
------
What's the point of going out? We're
just going to
wind up back here anyway.
