The story about Pyret.

It looked like as if Sarah was going to be our only child, even if we 
really wanted more children. At last I had convinced myself to stop 
dreaming and do something else in life. It took me over two years to 
come to this decision. Now I was going to study instead. I planned to 
go back to school even if that wasn’t the thing I really wanted. I wanted 
another child to care for.

And then suddenly was the time of miracle here! I was pregnant again!

I felt very ill under the first weeks of the pregnancy, just like I did 
when I was expecting Sarah. I started to spot in the 7th week, and went 
straight to the hospital. They told me that everything was just fine, but 
to take it easy for a couple of weeks. But the spotting didn’t want to 
stop, so in the 15th week I was back again for a new ultrasound. This 
time they told me the same thing as the first. They couldn’t find 
anything wrong. I had a hard time to be happy about the child with the 
worrying the spotting gave me. But on the other hand I had a lot of 
problems expecting Sarah. I even spend time in the hospital for 
bleeding badly when I was expecting her. In the 17th week the spotting 
stopped at last, what a joy.

Now I started to make plans for the autumn and for the years to come, 
and really be happy about the unborn child. What a feeling to feel well. 
My stomach was growing rapidly and people in my surrounding could 
now clearly see that I was pregnant. We told Sarah that her biggest 
dream was going to be true, she was going to be a big sister. We went 
to do a ultrasound again in week 18. That was a enormous experience. 
Even if I had done about 20 ultrasounds when I was carrying Sarah, 
had I never seen her so clearly as I could see this baby. We could see 
everything so clearly, the little hand waving to her big sister Sarah from 
the screen, the face, and the feet. The picture we could show our 
friends was like a photograph.

The spring was coming and happy about my growing stomach I went 
shopping for maternity clothes. I could now feel the child kicking 
inside of me with such a power for life. My husband and I sat there in 
the evenings, with his hand on my belly, with feelings of expectations 
and warmth. I sang for the child, my favourite “over the rainbow” 
always seemed to make the child calm.

But the one day in the beginning of May my life just broke apart.

On Sunday May 5th I started to feel that something was wrong. The 
baby, who until now had been moving and kicking a lot, suddenly 
stopped moving. I couldn’t feel anything. Me trying to convince myself 
that everything was fine, wouldn’t work. Directly on Monday morning 
I went to check it up. My midwife couldn’t hear any heartbeat and sent 
me to the hospital for a new ultrasound. I already knew inside that the 
baby was dead, even if  I in my despair tried to believe in the 
impossible.

My husband met me at the hospital, and already on the first view of the 
screen, I knew. And if I would have been unsure, one single look on 
the face of the doctor would have confirmed that the baby no longer 
was alive. The next days were like grey fog, where peoples voices 
echoed in the distant. The tears flooded down my face, and my body 
shook in loudly cramps.

My dream had become a nightmare. My child  that I carried wasn’t 
alive anymore. My planned future was not my future anymore. My 
reality had become unreal.

I was sent home and told to come back the next day and talk to the 
doctor, that was going to be there by the birth of my child. To go home 
with 1000 of questions I still had was one of the most horrifying 
experiences in my life. Next day some of those questions got an 
answer. I was given a drug to prepare my body to that early labour,
and was sent home again and told to be back on Friday if nothing happened for itself before that.

The doctor talked about the fetus, this hurt so much. This wasn’t a 
fetus, this was my child that I wished for truly. I have thought of this 
a lot since and wondered why they couldn’t have talked about her as a 
child. For me that would have made a big difference.

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday went by. My feelings changed 
between grief, the feeling that I was imagine that the baby died, and 
panicle fear that the Friday would arrive. To see my rounded belly and 
now that the baby in there was dead, gave me a horrible feeling. I 
sometimes felt the baby moving and was scared that the child wasn’t 
dead, that the doctors were wrong and that I now was killing my baby 
with the drugs I took.

Friday the 10th of May came even if I wanted it or not. We went to the 
hospital and was registered on the ward. I got vaginal medication to 
start contractions. I felt so abandon to faith in this moment. The tears 
were poring and the pain was almost unbearable. What was going to 
happen? What were we going to see when the baby was born? Would 
this be a horrifying experience? The fear was big and the questions 
were many. I get a warm feeling when I think of the midwife student 
that sat on my side. Without her and my husband I wouldn’t have 
survived those hours.

When Pyret was born at last, was I so numbed bye exhaustion, grief 
and drugs. I saw my little girl for a short time and was then 
anesthetizised as the placenta wouldn’t come out.

I asked to talk with someone. But they said no one was there that day. I 
was given a card to make myself an appointment with an almoner. And 
the next day I was released and sent home. With an empty womb, 
empty arms and a aching heart.

I regret that we didn’t have a funeral for Pyret. I would have loved to 
hold my daughter a little bit longer. I would have wanted to see her 
again, when my head was a little bit clearer. I wished I had something 
more to remember her by than a badly taken photo that my husband 
took. I wish they could have done this moment to a nice memory. I 
wish Sarah had seen her sister.

But how should you know what to do, when the grief is so big and you 
donut know the alternatives or possibilities. So many decisions have to 
be made when you still are in chock. I wish that I in that time would 
have got more help and advice.

Now half a year have went by. Our surrounding seems to have forgot 
our baby. But we are still mourning. Even if the daily life goes on..........

Pyrets

Some thoughts for you, who professionally meet people that’s loosing their babies.

To the

back to

Other sites dealing with pregnancy loss.

Here you can find Discussion groups and you can also talk with others on-line.

Another Parent Site where you can find support.

Hygeia Here you can find stories told by parents, and Medical information.

SANDS Here you can find beutiful poems, and other things written by people who knows.

News group Here you can get help from others.


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